I’ve always battled with depression and a sense of worthlessness. I sometimes have dark moods where I just don’t want to function at all. I was getting to where I was fighting that more. I had support around me and I felt loved and wanted for the first time in as long as I can remember.
Then, I moved to night shift because it was easier on my significant other and myself, and all that changed. I was constantly being surrounded by employees and customers who were negative and went out of their way to make everybody feel inferior to them. At first, I tried to just let it roll off. I told myself that these people weren’t a permanent part of my life and that the job was more important than that.
Then, in September, my grandmother passed away. I was heartbroken and confused. How could somebody I’ve seen as so strong my whole life just be gone with no warning at all? How could this have happened to one of the few people I felt could fight almost anything? I felt the darkness surround me and I withdrew a lot from the normal social situations I had myself in. I just wanted it all to end.
Then, I received a call letting me know that I was eligible per my insurance to seek mental health. I thought this was a sign. I immediately accepted and went through the steps of finding an amazing therapist. I’m still seeing her and I’ve been progressively getting better, but I’m not healed yet.
In November, my grandfather on my dad’s side passed away. This was really heartbreaking to me as well. I didn’t get to spend as much time with him as I would have liked to. I remember when I was a kid he’d take me out for ice cream. He was always so kind. He called me once a week when I was in Indiana and we talked about the family and how we were doing. I missed him more than I told him and now I wish I had told him.
At the end of December, they doubled the dose of my meds. I wasn’t expecting the torrent of emotions and memories to come at me when I started the new dosage. The first few days were a nightmare. I didn’t sleep well and I was constantly having anxiety attacks. I was terrified for no reason at all. Needless to say, this made me unable to go to work. With the past instances I already had, this got me terminated.
I can’t say I’m blameless. I know I was wrong, but I want to make it very clear that I asked for help numerous times. I requested numerous open door discussions. I was always told to wait and they’d come get me when they were ready. I don’t think I need to say it never happened. This made me feel more worthless than I already did. I basically felt they were telling me my problems weren’t important and that I was wasting their time. Eventually, it dropped my work performance. I had lost the ability to care.
I knew I was going to get fired before I talked to the store manager and he made it official. Yes, it did upset me. Yes, it did make me feel like I was nothing but a piece of garbage, but it made me feel something else too. It made me feel free. I realize I won’t have to go back and associate myself with people who think they are better than me and constantly tell me how crazy and slow I am. I won’t have to deal with them making fun of me like I couldn’t comprehend what they were saying. I won’t have to go home at the end of the day feeling like I’m just not good enough.
I have a great future ahead of me. I may not know what’s in store for me right now, but I know that I will pick up the pieces and move on with my life. I’ll be a stronger person because of this. So, I guess in the end I just want to say thank you. Thank you for setting me free of a huge portion of my depression.