Who Am I? What Do You See?

I ask myself this a lot. I really haven’t come any closer to finding out who I really am. I highly doubt many people (if any) really know the real me. In fact, there are people I hold dear to me that I’m sure don’t even read my blogs. That’s okay, though. We all have our own issues that we have to get through. I’m not here to whine and demand attention. I’m trying to figure out a way to get the me that’s trapped inside out. Writing has always been a positive outlet for me. Maybe it will help me now. The truth is, I feel like there are two people trapped inside me. I feel like there’s a part of me that’s really into certain things and then a part of me that’s into completely different things. That’s where I get the most confused. Do I have two different parts of me because a part of me is suppressed by the part of me that I feel society wants to see? Or are both parts really me but severed somehow? How can I find out? What do I do? I’m so lost and confused. I feel alone. I feel like nobody really gets it. I don’t know how to bring any of this up. Even to my therapist. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m so terrified that eventually, even my therapist will say that she can’t do it anymore and ask me to leave. I like girls. Something I’ve denied to myself and many people around me out of fear of people rejecting me. I’ve been so afraid of not being accepted. For being wrong for who I am that I decided not to tell anybody. I forced myself to be completely involved with guys. It got to the point where I was overly clingy with some of the guys I was dating. Especially when I really felt an attractive pull to a girl. That wasn’t right of me, but I didn’t know I was really doing it like that back then. I won’t argue about whether or not sexuality is genetic or if you just choose to be what you are. Because quite frankly, I don’t know. All I can tell you is how I feel and how it’s affected my life. All I can tell you is that I’ve caused my own depression because I suppressed a part of me that should have never been suppressed. I’ve known I’ve liked girls since I was nine years old. You may not believe it, but it’s true. I found myself obsessing with how beautiful girls were around me. I had feelings inside me that at the time I just really couldn’t explain. I didn’t know how. I felt it was wrong, though. I battled my feelings for girls from that point on. I’m not saying I’m a lesbian. I know I’m not. Sometimes I wish I were just so that things would be a lot less confusing for me. I wouldn’t feel so torn all the time. Truth is, there’s nothing wrong with my sexuality. I know I’m bisexual. I know I like both men and women. Could that be why I feel like I’m split in two? I really don’t know.My heart truly breaks because I’ll never really be able to get all of this out to the people I truly care about. All I can do is hope that in the end, people are still around. I’m scared. I’m scared of who I am. I’m scared of what it might bring me. Despite all that fear, I’m ready to spread my wings. I’m ready to branch out and be the me I’m truly meant to be. If you’re out there and your reading this, I hope that I touched you in some kind of way. I hope that if you’re struggling, you’ll realize that you aren’t alone. I hope that if you know somebody who struggles with it, that you can tell them with certainty that they are not alone. I have been helped to feel more comfortable in my skin by many hours of therapy. Now it’s my turn to give back. If you need somebody to talk to who won’t judge you, I’m here. I’m a message or email away. I won’t give you advice you don’t really need. I’ll just listen and help you through whatever you need to get through. You are not alone. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I can’t tell you how hard this blog was to write. It’s taken a huge weight off my shoulder. I’m sitting here in tears right now because I’m just so relieved to not be burdened by what I’ve finally let surface. Please feel free to like and share this blog. I write blogs often, so feel free to subscribe if you’d like to see more. P.S.: The picture is my male ego on IMVU. I named him Shane, but more or less… he’s a part of me. I want to say I created him, but in a way, I think he’s been a part of me all along.

Source: Who Am I? What Do You See?

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