Note: This picture is of me at three years old with my non-biological father. He raised me so he is justified to get that title. Even if he wasn’t the best father in the world. Note to the reader:I chose this as my next challenge because I think that it will help me process many things that I keep pent up. Some of these things may be deep and a little hard to read. I understand if you’d prefer not to read this series of blogs. There’s always other blogs that you will be able to view.Dear Myself As A Child:Why did you always feel you had to act so grown up? Why didn’t you ever let loose and just play and have fun? What were you so afraid of? I wonder if you’d handle things differently if you knew that you’d regret it when you got older. I wonder if you realized how often you’d wish for a reset button so you could start over and do life the right way.What made you feel so inferior to everybody else? What made you feel that you were more the servant than family? Why did you feel that your family didn’t want you around? What started all of these dark thoughts? There are so many questions from my childhood I can’t answer. So many things I am trying so hard to remember. What are you holding back from me? The biggest question of all is why didn’t you tell anybody what the other kids were saying to you? Why did you just absorb it all and blame yourself? Why didn’t you tell mom the real reason you didn’t want to go to school? Would you have done that differently if you knew she was being blamed? That she was being called a bad mother? Would you have spoken up?If you didn’t want to move in with your dad, why didn’t you speak up? Didn’t you realize that your voice and opinion mattered? Why did you let it happen and blame yourself? None of it was really your fault. You know that don’t you? You know that you were just a kid trying to grow up and find out who you were didn’t you? I still wish I could do it all over again. A child should never feel like they had the world on their shoulders. They should never feel like they are to blame for the way others feel about them. They should realize they have a voice and it’s okay to speak up. It’s okay to tell people when something isn’t right. They should know that it’s never okay for anybody, even grown-ups, to mentally or physically abuse children of any age. When I have my own children, I’m going to make sure they know how special they are every day. They aren’t going to be trapped inside themselves like you were. They are going to know they can come to me with anything. They are going to know that it’s okay to speak up for themselves and let me know when something is not right. I just wish I had given myself that chance. Don’t worry, you grew up fine. Just a little scarred and scared of the outside world. You will eventually fix yourself and discover you have worth. You are an amazing person. And one day you’ll believe that. You’ll realize that it’s okay to feel down. It’s okay to stand up for yourself too. You will be fine. You are loved. You are strong. You are important. You are enough. Love,Me.
Source: Dear Myself As A Child